Hello there, old friends.
Remember me? The girl who used to write about crafty things, and pillows (lots and lots of pillows…) and the random (hopefully) inspirational posts? I’m still here and I’ve really missed you. I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed coming home from work, popping open a big bottle of grapefruit Perrier, and typing the night away. I’ve missed reading it one last time and feeling so proud… and then excited but nervous to share. I’ve never been great at public speaking, I’m more of a one on one person, but posting to my blog and sharing with the world (at least my Facebook world) gave me such an adrenaline rush. Posting makes me feel like I’m speaking to thousands of people and only one person at the same time, so I don’t get the sweaty palms and shaky voice like I do when I’m in front of a lot of people. It’s my perfect soap box.
Our little ‘Bean’, as we call her, is already ten months old so I can’t really use the ‘I’m still getting used to parenthood’ excuse. I’m happy to say that I think I have the day to day things down…at least a majority of the day to day things. As I’m finding confidence in parenting, I’ve also found myself more and more anxious to start working on my projects again. I want to write. I want to set up my loom and weave. I want to sew. I want to do EVERYTHING. I bought scrapbook stuff…and this girl has NEVER wanted to make a scrapbook! I’m grasping at every opportunity I have to make something or design something. I’ve been trying to get back to the ‘old’ creative me.
It’s like I have a growing ball of creative energy that needs to be let out before I burst. I know that may sound silly… But if there’s one thing I learned in my ‘Earthquakes and Natural Disasters’ class in college, it’s if energy building under the surface isn’t released in small spurts, it may end up being catastrophic. Yep…I think I just compared myself to an earthquake or volcano…and yes…I really took a class called ‘Earthquakes and Natural Disasters.’
I’ve been struggling with this idea that there is an ‘old’ me and a ‘new’ or ‘present’ me. The ‘old’ me is before Emy Bean was born and the ‘present’ me is the person I became right after I found out I was going to be a mom. I don’t know why my brain wants to divide my life in two… into B.E. and A.E. (before Emy and after Emy). Have any of you felt this way? I hope I’m not the only one! It’s the ‘old’ creative me that used to have so many new crafty projects to work on, it was hard to focus on just one, and the ‘new’ me that spends my days playing on the floor, washing bottles, making baby food… I love the ‘new’ me but I need my creative outlet too.
I have to remind myself that I’m still the girl who used to write for hours on weeknights. I’m still the girl that would work all day but could not wait to get home so I could weave all evening. I’m still the girl that spent sunny weekends inside just to finish photographing my latest scarf so I could post it to my Etsy shop…. I’m still her.
I’ve realized that I’ve been subconsciously pushing that creative person into the past, into the ‘before Emy’ time… For some reason, I didn’t think I could be her and be a mom at the same time. I found myself consumed with being a new mom and being overwhelmed with everything… overwhelming feelings of love for this little person, but also completely overwhelmed with the lifestyle change. I felt like I had lost the creative part of me to motherhood. I wasn’t allowing myself to be both a mom and an artist. I wasn’t carving out the time I needed to work on my own projects and bettering myself.
I’ve learned (and still learning) how to find a little more balance between the two worlds. I know that following my own ambitions and dreams will only encourage my daughter to do the same. I need to remember that it’s no longer just about me, it’s about setting an example for this little person who will be watching my every move. My theory is that the better I feel about myself and the more confident I am outside of the world of motherhood, the greater the chances are that little Bean will grow up being confident and independent as well.
So, while the little lady is still napping, maybe I should get to work on something (you know, so I don't don't go all Mt. Vesuvius)... I have a long list of projects to choose from. I’ll make sure to keep you updated on my progress.
Have you ever felt this way after going through a big life changing event (such as having a child)? How do you find time to do something for yourself? How do you stay motivated? Please share any stories or tips you may have!